Parenting coach Nikki Bush tells the story of one of her young sons, who embarked on a discussion about God in the middle of the morning sandwich-making rush. “You have to be so quick with children,” she laughs. “Important conversations seldom happen when it’s absolutely convenient for the parent, and putting them off usually means you lose out on that opportunity to really connect with your child.”
I think the same is true for adults, too. So many friendships and relationships end because one or both people feel unheard. What this usually means is not that the friend or partner hasn’t heard what was said, but rather that they haven’t shown they’ve heard.
If you’ve ever had someone say “But you’re not listening to me!” – or if you’ve said that yourself – there are some simple tools you could work with to let people know that you hear and understand them; and to make sure that others hear and understand you, too.
One of the simplest tools to use is also one we’re perhaps least conscious of: body language. If you’re telling someone something really important and they turn around and look out of the window as you’re speaking, chances are you’ll feel hurt and ignored.
Body language is important! Face the person who is speaking to you, and make respectful eye contact – this means you meet their eyes, but without staring.
Active Listening
The next tool comes from a form of counseling called “Active Listening”, and it means just that. Instead of passively allowing what you hear to wash over you, practice listening in a way that allows you to repeat what you heard. Dr Harvey Karp calls this the “fast-food rule”.
When we order take-aways, the attendant only rings the order up after repeating it back to us. That way, any mistakes can be picked up before the order is sent to the kitchen.
So, if your friend tells you: “I’m so angry with my boss. He never backs me up in meetings”, and you want her to know that you hear and understand her, you might say: “So you’re really angry that he doesn’t support you?”
For many people, repeating what you’ve been told feels a bit weird initially, or as though you’re mocking the other person. For the person receiving on the receiving end though, it feels marvelous – finally, someone “gets” what you’re saying. It feels far better than having you say “Oh shame! What a horrible man,” or “I know what you mean – mine does the same.”
Time and Presence
Even babies respond differently when they’re really listened to. It’s easy to think that someone so little can’t possibly have anything that really needs to be said, but actually they do – and frustratingly for them, they just don’t have the ability to express themselves through words.
What they can do though is cry, and learning to acknowledge and listen compassionately when a child cries is one of the most wonderful ways of building their self-esteem.
Letting the people we love know that what they have to say is worth listening to – whatever their age – is a gift of our time and our presence, and is one of the greatest we can ever give.
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