“We defend ourselves with descriptions, and tame the world by generalising," wrote the prolific novelist, Dame Iris Murdoch.
It’s so true, isn’t it? Most of us learned when we were quite little that some words would get us into trouble, and some would get us out of it.
Our words cost nothing, yet have unlimited power. They can begin or end relationships between two people and between entire countries; they can bring healing and forgiveness, or cause devastation and war.
“What I Meant To Say…”
Yet how many of us really think about the consequences of the language we use on a daily basis?
Words have no meaning other than the one we attach to them – someone tells you they’ll be a while, and you’re expecting them in half an hour, when they were thinking two or three hours…
Their interpretation is as valid to them, as yours is to you.
Many people would probably agree on the meaning of chocolate cake because we can see it, smell it and taste it. But how about abstract words such as truth, love or respect?
There are infinite personal understandings of these concepts, and yet we’re often stunned or indignant when someone uses the words in a way that is different to our own interpretation.
Express Yourself
Words are the way we try to express our inner and outer experience of life, but in order to make ourselves understood by others and have them agree with us, we often select words that make us feel more comfortable or “right”.
Ways that might show up in your own communication are in generalisations like always, never, everyone or no-one.
Generalisations allow us to voice our unhappiness with a situation without acknowledging what’s really happening for us and feeling the discomfort that may bring.
When we generalise about people, whatever follows the generalisation is usually untrue. We know about the broad – and damaging – generalisations: blacks / whites are all …; women / men never …
More subtle statements are as damaging to the individual making them: “I’m unable to accomplish my goal because no-one ever listens me”. No-one? Ever? In your entire life?
What the woman making this sweeping generalisation might actually mean is “I feel hurt because a specific person disagreed with me”.
Limit or Liberate?
One way to make this real is to take an example of an argument or disagreement you’ve had with someone recently.
Take a look at your own words – did you choose them in order to “win” or blame, and so avoid responsibility for your own actions?
Or were you honestly trying to create clearer understanding between the two of you? How likely were you to achieve that, given the words you used? What could you say differently in future that might change the outcome?
Swami Sivananda taught that our thoughts determine our words; our words determine our actions; our actions, our character; and our character, our destiny.
If this is so, then the words we speak each day have the power to limit our lives or liberate them… which are you choosing?
Sharon Lee Plaskitt is a Complementary Health practitioner of various supportive modalities including CranioSacral Therapy, Reiki, Neuro-Lingusitic Programming and Hypnotherapy. She has a special interest in the development of human potential; and finds great joy in supporting others as they make positive, empowered shifts in the different facets of their lives.
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